2002-09-09 - 11:23 p.m.

Welcome To Meatland

Before I left for Kerhonksen I ordered a bunch of books from Amazon.com that had to do with low-carb diets and an exercise plans, including the new, updated version of Protein Power. Most of the books haven't arrived yet, but one of them showed up a couple days ago, a low-protein cookbook.

While I was flipping through it a couple nights ago, I was shaking my head. Why the hell did I order this? I didn't understand how to do half the stuff they were talking about. That's what I get for ordering books at two in the morning. Ah, the danger of online ordering - we're so much more vulnerable to impulse purchases in the wee small hours.

However, as I was flipping thorough the books I cam across a couple of recipes that looked as if I might be able to do them.

There was one recipe for steak that looked pretty easy - it only had three ingredients (one of them was "steak") and only three steps. That sounded like just about my speed. However, then I discovered that one of the ingredients was "Hollandaise Sauce" and the instructions for making that were in the section marked "sauces." Well, immediately I crossed that recipe off my list because not only did Hollandaise Sauce sound hard to make and gross, but it required kitchen implements I didn't have. Moreover the recipe sounded like it made a whole vat of the stuff. That's one of the problems with most recipes: they generally say things like "serves eight" or "makes six servings." It would be nice if there were more recipes for single serving dishes - after all I'm only one person.

Looking further in the cookbook I found a recipe for meatloaf. It looked pretty easy, and Lily has made meatloaf several times so I knew that we had all the implements handy. What the hell! Why not give it a try?

I took a look through my cupboards to see what of the ingredients I had at home already, and the answer was "almost none." One of the ingredients was "ground sage" but the little bottle of sage I had looked like it might be 30 years old. I kid you not! It used to be my mom's years ago - I think it may have been part of a set she got when my parents bought their house in 1969. These things keep a long time, but not THAT long. I threw it out.

One of the advantages of living in the Hamster Palace is that there are some convenient businesses within easy walking distance. One of those businesses is "Avon Meatland" a small, neighborhood grocery that specializes in all sorts of meat. If you have a yearning to see a plastic bin full of pig's feet, that's the place to go.

I walked down there to get the meat required - a pound and a half of ground pork and a pound and a half of ground beef. The butcher asked me if I wanted them ground together. Sure! They're all going to mixed up in the recipe anyway. While I was there I found three of the seven ingredients I was missing.

I then went to a supermarket to get the last four ingredients. One of them was "scallions" which I thought read "shallots." Not the same thing! Good thing I brought a Xerox copy of the page in the book with me.

On the way home I did something a little odd. I stopped at a liquor store and bought a bottle of dry white wine. According to Protein Power a little wine can be beneficial with a meal, so long as its dry (not a lot of carbs). Among nutritionists there is something called "the French Paradox" which refers to the fact that the French have a lot less cardiovascular disease than they ought to, considering their diet. It is thought that the fact they drink a lot of wine may account for that, something wine growers have been quick to tout in advertising.

Since I am an utter wine ignoramus I asked the very gay looking clerk in the liquor store to help me out. I'm sure I was asking some pretty foolish questions, but the guy was looking at me like he couldn't believe how stupid I was. Well, so what? Like some Chinese sage once said: if you ask a question you look stupid for a minute, but if you don't ask it you remain ignorant your whole life.

Although I must confess, I was feeling a little light-headed. To avoid eating carbs I've probably been not eating as much as I should.

All together the two shopping trips, not counting the wine, cost me about $22. That seems kind of expensive for one recipe, but hopefully I can stretch it for more than one meal. Also, most of the ingredients can be used for other things later.

Anyway, when I got home I started putting everything together. I carefully mixed the ingredients, then it came time to add the meat. Okay, first thing I learned: use the biggest mixing bowl. The medium one just BARELY holds all the ingredients, and mixing them is a very careful job if you don�t want to make a huge mess.

Folks, I can't begin to tell you what a weird, icky feeling it was, using my bare hands to mix together all the ingredients and three pounds of raw ground meat. I think I was giggling while I was doing it. Man, that meat was COLD! Very quickly my hands became numb.

Second problem: while you're mixing the meat you can't really do anything else because your hands are a slimy, meaty mess. Trying to cut up stuff or open packages or get things out of the refrigerator was challenging to say the least. However, I eventually got everything in the mixing bowl and got it mixed up adequately. Then I stuffed it in the meatloaf pan and stuck it in the oven.

While it was baking I got together my salad fixings, which took most of the 45 minutes required.

Note to self: the recipe says bake for 45 minutes, but that's plainly not long enough since the middle of the loaf was pinker than I would like. Probably 55 minutes is a better idea.

So how did it turn out? Not too badly, if I do say so myself. It definitely seemed a lot meatier than Lily's meatloaf, mainly because there were no breadcrumbs or anything like that in the recipe. Low carbs means no stuff like that, and it also means I can't smother it in A1 sauce like I usually do. Drat. I'd have to say that while my meatloaf was a lot less crumbly than Lily's, hers tasted better. Oh well, what do you want for my first try??

I'm relieved that my little cooking experiment turned out okay. Since, according to the recipe, it "makes six servings," I'm going to be eating meatloaf for a while!