2002-09-18 - 11:15 p.m.

New Comics: The Contest!!

Today did not get off to a good start. Due to some insomnia the night before that had me up to 4 AM, I felt like crap when the alarm woke me up at 7:15, so I reset it to 7:40, thinking that would be plenty of time. However, in my foggy state I set it to 7:40 PM, so when I finally opened my eyes, it was about 8:20. I jumped out of bed and hurried to get the comics as quickly as I could.

Because I got to the UPS hub after 9, the customer window was already open and I had to stand around until the woman finally got around to me. When she did, she informed me that this was the last week I would be allowed in the building "for security reasons" and that starting next week I was going to have to get my books in the customer area. Did this mean that I no longer could get my books before 9 AM? That would suck. However, I'd be more concerned if UPS hadn't threatened to do this before, and not followed through.

Anyway, today three comics came in that are part of a contest Marvel Comics is running. They're calling it "U-Decide." Basically, they are three new series and whichever one of them sells the best is going to get to have an extended run, the others will just be mini-series and end at issue four or six.

The whole thing started some months ago, over a dispute between Peter David, a comic writer and Bill Jemas, the president of Marvel Comics, and a full-time idiot. I've said mean things about him previously.

Peter David was writing a comic called Captain Marvel and recently Marvel had hiked the cover price of the bookl by a quarter, since it was on the lower end of the sales spectrum. The big comics companies do this from time to time on books that are slated to be cancelled, figuring that the readers that are left will take the financial hit because they are die-hards.

Anyway, Peter David made Marvel a public offer that if they would lower the cover price back again, he would write the book virtually for free. I'm not sure what the math was on this equation, but I think it was roughly a break-even proposition for Marvel.

Bill Jemas, the head of Marvel, turned David down flat. Things went back and forth for a while, and then it was decided that David and Jemas would have a little sales contest. This is the sort of thing that Bill Jemas likes to do, since he sort of imagines himself as the Vince McMahon of the comic world.

What he proposed was that he would write a book, and if it sold better than Captain Marvel, they'd cancel Captain Marvel. There were some objections to this because Jemas' title would be starting at number one, and first issues generally sell better than regular issues.

The final shakeout was this: Captain Marvel would start over again from number one, and it would compete head-to-head against a title from Jemas, and another one put forward by Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada. The book with the best sales of the three would continue, the other two would die.

All three of them came in this week, and I'm gonna review them all.

Captain Marvel #1

This book, obviously, is Peter David's entry in the sweepstakes. Even though it technically is a first issue, it continues right from where David left off in the last issue of the previous series. In fact you can see a ghostly "36" right next to the #1 on the cover. However, this issue is a jumping-on point for the series, and a brief explanation of who Captain Marvel is, and what his powers are is given in the first few pages.

Captain Marvel, among other things, has the gift of cosmic awareness: he can perceive everything that is happening in the universe, and understand what effect his actions have on it. It's a very difficult ability to master, but he thinks has the hang of it now.

As it turns out, he's wrong. At one point he has a choice between two options, and he makes the choice that almost anyone would make, and it turns out to be the wrong one, with dire consequences. The enormity of what has happened causes Captain Marvel to go insane, which is the cliffhanger at the end of the issue.

The art and coloring on this book is absolutely gorgeous, and I think that's the reason that Peter David is putting so much work into this obscure character. The story makes for fine reading, and has the patented Peter David touches of humor. A good read.

Marville #1

This is Bill Jemas' entry. The title is obviously a poke at the television series, "Smallville." In fact the entire comic is a jibe at Marvel's chief rival, DC Comics, publisher of Batman and Superman. Apparently Mr. Jemas feels that the president of DC, Paul Levitz, wants to make his comics and characters "obscure" instead of promoting and publicizing them.

I really don't think that Levitz is burying DC Comics on purpose - it's a pretty small division of AOL/Time-Warner, and he probably doesn't have that much clout. Also, there is a lot that DC is doing that Marvel would do well to emulate - like their killer program of trade paperback comic reprints. DC has over 1,000 trade paperbacks that we can order at a moment's notice, and these are a big profit center for us. On the other side, Marvel's trade paperback situation is ludicrous - a pitiful selection and most of the books are out of print anyway. Would that this were the ONLY part of Marvel's business that's a joke.

When I first heard that Jemas, a corporate-type with no previous writing experience, was going to be penning this comic, I assumed that someone else would be ghost writing the book for him. To my surprise, that doesn't seem to be the case, mainly because the scripting on this book sucks so hard that I can't imagine any REAL writer excreting it. Basically the whole book is one long, dumb parody of the Superman origin story, with much mockery thrown in at AOL, DC's corporate owners. It would be nice if this book was funny, but instead it is merely stupid, and full of comic insider in-jokes that most people won't get. I get most of the jokes myself and they weren't funny, trust me on that.

The plot is also rather inexplicable. The main character, named KalAOL (after Superman's Kryptonian name Kal-El) is sent 3,000 years back in the past to the year 2002 when the earth (renamed AOLon, more subtle corporate humor) is threatened with destruction. For some reason that I can't detect, his parents seem to be Ted Turner and Jane Fonda, living in the year 5002. Um, wait... Ted Turner and Jane Fonda are living in 2002, and they haven't been married to each other for a while now. Well, making sense is overrated anyway.

I could go on, but it only gets worse. You get the idea.

The characters are flat and uninteresting, and I really couldn't care less what happens to any of them. The art, provided by comic vet Mark Bright is serviceable, but that's about it.

Since, like I said before, Jemas thinks of himself as the Vince McMahon of comics, there is other provocative stuff going on here, besides the stupid jokes. The first issue has multiple covers, one featuring KalAOL tied to a fence with an "M" written on his chest in blood, a la the controversial scene in Smallville> The other cover is a foil enhanced, photo-realistic cover of a nearly naked woman getting out of a taxicab. Neither of these covers really has anything to do with what goes on inside the comic. The covers were an attempt to generate some controversy, and therefore get the book a buzz. So far, it looks like an utter failure.

Ultimate Adventures #1

This is Joe Quesada's entry, although strangely he has nothing to do with the book creatively, other than being Editor-in-Chief. Think that this book was just tossed into the contest to try to boost its sales? Could be...

Actually, this is not the name that the book was solicited under when we ordered it. It was originally called "The Ultimate Adventures of Hawk-Owl and Woody." In the solicitation it sounded like a lame rip-off of Batman and Robin. Our orders on it were pretty light, even though it was being touted as part of Marvel's hit "Ultimate" universe.

Actually, even though the Hawk-Owl character and his alter ego Jack Danner bear a strong resemblance to Batman and Bruce Wayne, the story is eminently readable, a pleasant surprise.

Youngster Hank Kipple is living in an orphanage in Chicago. Hank is very smart, but also very bitter and sarcastic, and constantly getting into trouble. He's mainly angry because he knows that he's too old to ever be adopted.

However after a run-in with some robbers at the orphanage, Hawk Owl in his civilian guise of Jack Danner takes an interest in the boy, and adopts him. That's where the issue ends, although I imagine they are going to be getting into the whole "sidekick" thing next issue. Where they are going with this, I don't know but in this particular instance Robin appears to be miles smarter than Batman.

While this book is plainly intended as a parody, there is a certain pathos in Hank's hard-bitten exterior that makes him a very sympathetic character, and his dialogue is hilarious.

My only objection here is a tiny one: the orphanage, as it is written and drawn here, is straight out of 1930s and 1940s movies like Little Rascals and Going My Way. Surely things are a little bit more modern in 2002?

Anyway, this is a minor quibble: I found this the most enjoyable of the three books, and I'm looking forward to the next issue.

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And the winner is... well, we're not sure. According to retailer's orders, the books finished in the order I reviewed them, making Peter David the winner. However there is some arguing that "Marville" was a bigger money-maker since it had an alternate cover with a higher cover price. To me it just sounds that Bill Jemas is being a sore loser. That's a surprise!