2002-10-19 - 11:47 p.m.

Hideous Rain of Spam

Recently, I haven't been sleeping much. I keep going to bed late, about 3 a.m., and then I find myself awake at 9 a.m. and unable to get back to sleep because it's too noisy outside. Of course the solution to this is simple: just go to bed earlier! The trouble is, if I go to bed, but can't sleep, I'll be up and down all night.

Anyway! When I woke up this morning and sat down to check my Uberhamster email I found out that I'd gotten 21 emails in the short six hours that I'd been sleeping. Sheesh! They were all spam, too. In the last couple days I've just been getting flooded, in spite of the fact that I've been taking precautions to make sure my email doesn't get around. I put a "REMOVETHIS" on the email address that's linked here, and I make a point of not leaving an email address when I post somewhere, figuring that people can get hold of me if they want.

Of course it just occurred to me that while these precautions would frustrate web spiders who scoop up email addresses, it would do nothing about a clever person who simple created an email list for all of Diaryland by simply sending to [DIARYNAME}@diaryland.com.

I made a list of the 21 email I got. It's a pretty good cross section of the crap I get. A lot of this stuff will probably look familiar to a lot of you.

Take control of your debts now!
...by adding us to your list of creditors

View Photos of Singles in your area!
Singles in THIS area? I'll probably think Halloween came early.

12 Free Music CDs
...all it costs is your Immortal Soul

End Your Tax Problems
by becoming broke.

Get More Money With Qualified Leads
Qualified Leads = Other Unwilling Spam Victims

We Can Help You Save Money On Your Debts
And I'm just stupid enough to trust YOU to do that.

Re: You Have A Card Waiting
Sigh. I actually got caught by this one. Since I first saw it around my birthday I thought they were referring to an e-card, so I clicked on it. The "card" is a credit card. I'm such a sucker.

P O R N 4 A BUCK
Why would I want to see smut for a male deer? Weirdos.

Generic Viagra low as $2.50 per Dose
Viagra is a brand name, therefore it can't be generic. Once again, I wouldn't recommend taking pills some unknown schmuck online sold to you.

1 Minute Preapproval, 4.5% or lower
Get a credit card from some spam scammer? Sure, why not? After all, what could go wrong?

Increase Sexual Potency Frequency
A lot of spam seems to be directed at my dick. Maybe I should get it a separate email address.

Hello uberhamster, Hey we just approved you
Gosh thanks. They must know how much I crave approval.

ADLT: $1 Coke Whores Here!
No thanks, I'm a Pepsi drinker. Sure SOUNDS tempting, doesn't it?

Re: Your Free Pentium 4 Computer!
Wow!! Free!! How did I get so lucky???

Ultimate CALCIUM Information Resource: Know more about CORAL CALCIUM
Thanks, but I'm rather proud of my ignorance about CORAL CALCIUM

100% Legal Cable TV descramblers
Definitely not the ILLEGAL cable descramblers that they fine people for!

ADD 3 TO 4 INCHES OVERNIGHT! GUARANTEED!
Such a stupid scam. The only way to add four inches to your penis is to put a hat on it.

Brand New n-a-p-s-t-e-r style X
Porn that's getting sued out of existence? Neato!

Chong...adult links and more
Now that Cheech is going solo, the man's got to earn a living somehow.

Coral Calcium discovery letter
Sincerely, I've been reading that we tend to get TOO MUCH calcium in our diets, and not enough of the elements that help our bodies to use it.

POWERFUL LEGAL STEROIDS! DECA, D-BOL, WINNI-V: BUILD MUSCLE FAST
Oh yeah. I'm such a health nut I'll take some crap pills sent to me by a spammer. Well, it's easier than working out!

PENIS ENLARGEMENT!! Gain 2+ Inches GUARANTEED!!
This used to be a common claim found in ads in the back of sleazier men's magazines. Hidden somewhere in the ad would be the word "prosthetically."

Why Wait...Rates Below 4.75% Hey Now
Hey Now, Don't dream it's over... Anyway, lots of spammers are trying to sell me a mortgage for some reason. Obviously they don't know what the Hamster Palace looks like.

Kind of a dull bunch of spam really. I've gotten some really nasty porn spam unsolicited, featuring all sorts of dreadful stuff, pictures included. So much for the FBI cracking down on porn on the internet. Good thing I'm no longer young and impressionable.

I wonder why they bother. I hope everyone who uses the web knows that no legitimate organizations send out unsolicited emails, and all that's in spam is lies and scams.

Anyway, there are a couple spam mail messages that are my favorites that weren't included in this particular onslaught. They are:

"Hi Uberhamster It's Jen!"
Oh so sneaky putting my name in the title. I thought this was an email from Jenistar (or another Jen I know) until I opened it up and saw some naked camgirl. Wow, I didn't know Jen liked me in THAT way!

"Uberhamster, small manhood?"
Oh, I just laughed and laughed when I saw this one. Of COURSE it's small! I'm a hamster, dammit!!

"Will Your Family Call You A Hero?"
This has to be about the sleaziest piece of shit email I've ever seen. They're peddling life insurance, and the text is about how you won't be a hero like the 9/11 guys if you get killed and your family doesn't get a pile of cash when you die. Seriously!