2001-09-30 - 11:35 p.m.

The Massacre

Since I'm feeling historically-minded I think I'll tell the story of the Frown Town Massacre, really the first appearance of Frown Town in history. It's what put us on the map, so to speak.

It happened in February, 1690. A party of about 200 French and Indians came down from Canada to raid Fort Orange, which was what Albany was called at the time. However, they got lost and stumbled on Frown Town instead.

Of mistakes like this is history made.

As it was explained to me, the reason for the raids was a difference in philosophies.

The French, for the most part, were in the New World for the money. Most of them came over, made their pile (mainly selling animal furs) and then went home. The Indians liked that, they understood that.

The Dutch were not much different. They were also mainly in the New World for the money to be made. Some of them stayed, but not in great quantities.

The English, however, were another story. They stayed, and they bred, and they expanded. More of them came. It was obvious that the English were going to be a big problem. The Indians didn't like that, and the French felt that they were bad for business. Furthermore there were the continuing European conflicts between Catholic France and Protestant England.

The night before the raid, on that chilly February in 1690, the French and Indians camped at what is now known as Alplaus, out where my mother's house used to be.

Now at that time Frown Town was a fort, and there were 24 soldiers garrisoned there. However, that night the gates of the fort were wide open, and some lazy soldiers had put snowmen on duty.

The French and Indian attackers caught the soldiers and the residents of the town utterly flatfooted. They killed nearly 70 of the townspeople and took another 60 hostage. Supposedly only four people from the fort survived as free people.

One of them, a fellow named Simon, rode 20 miles to warn the settlers at Fort Orange, and there is a plaque commemorating his ride on one of the corners of the Old Fort.

When Harry and I saw the sign we made some jokes in dubious taste about how Simon's ride was less about warning settlers and more about getting his ass away from the Massacre.

Of course after the Massacre came the Great Disaster. Yes, the disaster was the fact that someone was actually stupid enough to REBUILD THE FRIGGING TOWN! Talk about being a slow learner!

Seriously, the Massacre was only the start of a troubling trend. Frown Town only gets any attention when something bad, stupid or embarrassing happens.

I remember Frown Town only appearing in the national news twice when I was in high school and college. First was when a building had to be demolished because it was infested with an absolute torrent of cockroaches. The second was when an elderly couple froze to death on Xmas Eve because the power company had shut their heat off.

I tell you, we don't get no respect.