2001-08-20 - 11:04 p.m.

The Forbidden Subject

You know, it seems that the folks here on Diaryland will talk about anything: Sex, drugs, mental problems, you name it.

But there is one subject that never gets talked about much, although it is very important, in fact it is of central importance to a lot of people.

That subject is money.

Americans especially seem to have a reticence to talking about the nitty gritty of their finances. I remember, a couple of years ago, reading an article where the writer admitted to not being able to make ends meet for a family of four on a six-figure salary. The main problem: he was sending both his children to expensive private schools.

However, the amount of hate mail this guy got for making this statement was shocking. The idea that he was pleading poverty while making over $100,000 a year absolutely outraged a lot of people.

Maybe money is the last frontier of self-revelation.

So am I going to tell you how much money I make in a year? Heck, no! Ask me my penis size instead, please!

Actually, what I make varies from year to year within a certain range, depending on how much money my business makes and how much money I get from other sources. I'm not rich, but I do okay.

Of course, that's by American standards. By world standards I'm probably fabulously wealthy.

However, like a lot of people of my generation, I'm making a lot less than my father did, and I'm worth a lot less than he was. Wait, I should amend that. I'm worth a lot less than he was when he was my age. When he retired in 1995, he was practically broke. Actually, my father is what this is all about.

Some years ago, my mother knew that things were not going well for him, and that he was living beyond his means. She had been squirreling away money for years so that when she died in 1996 she had a tidy nest egg stored away. According to the instructions in her will, the money left over from her estate was to be put into a trust fund with Dad getting the income. As I was trying to get Dad financially back into the black often times the monthly income he got from that trust fund was all that kept him above water.

Now, also according to Mom's will the trust fund was to be divided equally among my brother, my sister and myself when Dad died.

I don't know if any of you out there have dealt with trusts, but I find their name strictly ironic. I don't trust them at all. Every quarter-year I get a statement from the trust, and it always looks fishy to me. For example: How come we have to pay so much in capital gains taxes when the damn trust is going DOWN??? How can there be capital gains when there are no gains???

But the most outstanding feature of them is how slowly they move. In fact, "slowly" grossly understates the case. They move with almost glacial deliberation. It is maddening.

So, today I got another letter from the bank operating the trust. What do they want NOW, I wondered. What obscure piece of paper did they want me to dig up this time?

All that was in the envelope was a letter, asking me for my Social Security number. Good Lord, how could they not know that? I've been dealing with them for five years now and I know that I've given it to them at least twice.

Then I noticed that there was something else in the envelope. It was a check. I took it out of the envelope and looked at it. However, when I noticed the number printed under "amount" I was so startled that I actually dropped the check.

Now I was aware roughly how much I was due from my third of the trust, but to actually see it in my hands, printed out in the form of a check was shocking.

I knew that this money was coming, but I didn't imagine it would be so soon. I've never counted on getting money by other people dying. I treat bequests and trusts as money that I may never see. I never plan on getting it - I imagine that everyone is going to outlive me.

The check was sizable. It made me nervous just holding it. No, I'm not going to tell you how much it was for. However I will say this: it roughly came to what I would make in four years' time.

I can't say that the money's not welcome. In fact earlier this year things were starting to look a little tight financially. Now the pressure is off. The main problem was that it was looking like I was going to need a new car, since my current one is 12 years old and looks every minute of it. Now that looks like it's not going to be a problem. I've also been promising myselfg that the store was going to get a facelift. I think 20 years without a renovation is long enough. However, I'm afraid of how disruptive it may be to the business. I may do it, I may not.

The rest of the money is probably going into the Uberhamster Retirement Fund. My modest stock portfolio has been taking a beating of late, so I think I'm going to keep this money out of the stock market, maybe put it in some Certificates of Deposit.

I feel like I'm playing Monopoly and just landed on Free Parking.