2001-08-07 - 11:23 p.m.

I Believe I Can Fly

And now: a present, for the present.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my life, about how it has changed in the last year.

It's magic, there's no other word for it.

In spite of all the bad things that have happened, I feel more confident, more centered, more optimistic than I have in a long, long time.

And I know why this is so.

I think that the seeds of this inner strength were growing inside me over the long, awful, lonely years of the 1990s, looking for an outlet. Surprisingly, I found it in this journal. When I started it fifteen months ago I really had no clue about the odyssey it was going to lead me on.

Mainly because it led me to my dear, sweet Lily.

I hope my readers won’t find it tiresome that I keep harping on this. I just cannot believe my good luck. How did I find someone so sweet and loving, so supportive and yet challenging, funny yet very kind and attentive? I really am astonished: I guess I am a better judge of character than I thought!

I really hate to mention Planetarion again, but something occurred to me while I was writing that long essay. One of the reasons that I'm feeling strong and confident enough to experiment with my feelings and take risks is that I feel secure and loved at home. It seems like such a small and simple thing, but everything seems to depend on it. If you have that happy home, you can fearlessly go out and try to conquer the universe - even if it's only a pretend universe.

Even now, late at night with Lily in bed, all I have to do is think of her to make myself smile. I think of something funny she said, or something cute she did (even if it was just her lying curled up in our bed, asleep) or some sweet, thoughtful gesture she made and I can feel my heart lift. The sun breaks through the clouds, and suddenly the load I am carrying seems much lighter. There it is again: my happy thought.

A couple days ago the movie Hook with Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman was on TV. It was very big ten years ago, but it has not aged all that well. Still, it made an important point.

The central theme of the film was that grown-up, jaded Peter Pan needed to get in touch with the carefree boy he used to be in order to rescue his son. In the movie's climatic scene he has to fly, something he hasn't been able to do since he was a boy. Now he is too old and weighed down to get off the ground - but when he finds his "happy thought" (his love for his son) he is able to effortlessly glide over the heads of his adversaries.

That's what Lily is, my happy thought. Thanks to her, I've discovered that the things holding me back were insubstantial - just dust and cobwebs.

I believe I can fly again.

Thank you, my darling.