2001-08-05 - 11:18 p.m.

Planetarion: Putting the Angry Child To Bed (2)

So the magnetic attraction of PA, at least for me, has to do with its social element, and the requirement of 24-hour dedication and a big personal investment to be really good. When your planet is in danger hours and days and WEEKS of work are at stake. I've seem people close to having nervous breakdowns over things that happened to their planets in PA.

But all of the things that are true of PA are also true of many games and sports. It leads me to think about a quote I heard once from a famous coach: "Sports do not shape character - they reveal it."

There is something about the socialization of Planetarion that somehow, someway, reminds me of the psychology of the schoolyard - of how things were when I was growing up. Again, I can clearly see the similarities the need to join groups and the subtle (and not so subtle) interplay of power - physical and otherwise. There are the two classic characters: the weak, scrawny kid and the big, muscular bully. In PA I've played both parts, and I have to say, I like being the bully MUCH better. Although there is a certain appeal to being the wily defender, salvaging a bad situation with inferior force. However, for the most part being little and picked on sucks.

I don't think I am alone in this regard - Planetarion is full of planets that got hit a couple of times and then were abandoned by their owners.

Because I have been consistently a top 250 player, I have been a bully a lot more than I was a goat, and it was a role I played with a great deal of relish. If someone crossed me I'd sent them threatening letters, and then hot their planets. If their friends defended, I hit them too. If someone sent me an impudent letter, I'd hunt them down and systematically destroy their planet. I made a lot of enemies and it felt good, dammit!

Isn't that a horrible thing to find out about yourself? Cute and friendly Mr. Hamster is really a sadistic brute!

In fact, I have to admit that I was often puzzled and alarmed by the strong emotions that Planetarion aroused in me. It was plain that something significant was going on here, but what was it? I decided to follow that trail to see where it led.

I've thought about it for a while, and it seems to me that in a lot of ways, Planetarion is giving me a chance to have a second childhood. I mean not only is it giving me a chance to behave childishly, but it seems to be giving me a much-needed "do-over" on my first childhood.

I really did not have a very happy childhood. While I wasn't starved or beaten (much) I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. Part of this was the way I was brought up and part of it was the places I was brought up in. I also was picked on a lot by my peers, and I was never good at handling it. I never had the sense that I could take care of myself - that I could leave the scene of conflict with my self-respect intact, not to mention my face.

Planetarion seems to be driving some of those old demons out of the darkness and into the light. Whether this is actually doing me any good, or whether it is just a long international, electronic temper-tantrum remains to be seen.

However, I think that little by little the hurt, angry child I used to be is finally getting put to bed.