2001-07-21 - 11:06 p.m.

Close Door

These days, for various reasons, I've been using elevators a lot. I generally like to take the stairs for the exercise and what not, but in many buildings it's not obvious where the stairwell is, and you also run the risk of finding a locked door or a dead end. Better to use the elevator than get lost.

Elevators are a convenient way to get from one floor to another, but often they are annoyingly slow as they go through their automated routines. Generally speaking, this is a good thing because you don't REALLY want the elevator to do anything hurried or abrupt, but still time is money.

On the elevator number pad there is nearly always a button marked "Close Door." It's supposed to make the darn door close instead of waiting forever for no more people to get on. However, I've noticed that most of these "Close Door" buttons do not, in fact, make the door move any quicker than it does anyway. Instead the button seems to be a merely a toy to play with, a way to pass the time while the elevator does its usual unhurried job.

It's also kind of amusing to note that the "Close Door" button is frequently the most worn button on the elevator keypad. In fact in some of the elevators I frequent the letters have been practically worn off by impatient, jabbing fingers.

Well, as long as the button doesn't really do anything, why not have it say something amusing? Like "Free Sex" or "Your Mom" or "Bite Me?" I wonder how many people would push it if it said "Free Fall" or "Cut Cable?" Why not tempt the mischief makers with "Do Not Push?"

Maybe truth in labeling would be more appropriate: "Does Nothing."