2001-07-09 - 11:37 p.m.

Throttling Pinocchio

Tonight Lily and I just had to get out of the house, so we decided to catch a movie. I'm not sure how we decided what we were going to see, but eventually we settled on Steven Spielberg's AI with Haley Joel Osmet.

When we got to the theater, I was surprised to see that it was nearly empty. AI is currently the #1 movie in America, but I guess that doesn't translate to lots of movie patrons in Frown Town for the early show on a Monday night.

Since there are a good number of you who probably haven’t seen the movie yet, I'll try to talk about it without spoiling for you.

I had kind of mixed feelings about the film, to tell the truth.

Visually, it was stunning. The special effects were really amazing - a lot of dollars went into the look of the movie and it was money well spent.

And Haley Joel Osmet did an amazing job in the lead role. Frankly, I think that his performance held the movie together, although Jude Law was very funny as Osmet's companion in the middle third of the movie.

However, my complaints about the movie outnumber the things I liked about it. The pacing was really leaden at some places, especially at the end, which seemed to drag on and on. The whole ending sequence seemed extremely ungainly, like they were trying to bend time and space (literally!) to graft a happy ending on to what was basically an impossibly tragic situation.

But most annoying for me was how Spielberg kept bashing us over the head with the idea that this movie was an updated and modernized version of Pinocchio. In fact, the main conceit of that classic story was just throttled throughout the movie. Alright already Steven, we get it, we get it!!

It really got tedious for me.

But then again, that's just me. Lily was quite moved by the picture.

However, my least favorite part about the movie was not on the screen, it was in the audience.

Like I said, there were only about a dozen people in the theater. About three rows behind us there were three girls sitting together and they just would not be quiet. They were talking in normal speaking voices, like they were sitting in front of the TV at home.

That really pisses me off. Why pay $7.75 for a seat in a theater if you can't enjoy the movie.

They talked right through the previews, which was okay. However, then the movie started, they kept up the babble. They also seemed very stupid. One of them kept asking: "What's going on?" Hey dumbass, if you'd shut up and listen, maybe you'd find out.

Because they were talking over the spoken introduction to the movie, I only heard about half of it. This was especially annoying because that little bit of narration explained the underlying concept of the movie.

I then did something stupid. In a flash of irritation, I bellowed, "Shut up!"

It was a mistake. It didn't make them quiet down, it only made them giggle and talk more. In fact, they were making fun of my "Shut up!"

I was truly pissed off now. I was sorely tempted to get nasty. I had the better part of a large soda in my hand - I felt a strong urge to toss it at them. Or I could turn around and say: "What part of SHUT UP didn't you little bitches understand?"

But I didn't. I just let them talk. Eventually they shut up and watched the movie. However, when it started to drag at the end, the started whining about how long the it was.

What do you do in a situation like that? Probably the right thing to do, initially, would have been to ask them politely to be quiet a couple times, and if they didn't comply, then call the management. This latter solution didn't look very workable - all the people on duty seemed to be teenagers and not very authoritative-looking.

You know, I used to have a theory about movies and rude people. Technically, talking people shouldn't be a problem during movies: if the movie is good it will shut them up, and if the movie is bad they'll provide extra entertainment.

Sad to say, it doesn't work that way. Rude people are annoying, not entertaining. There was a time when there'd be problems with the audience at every movie I went to. What is going on with people? Don't they know how to act in public?

When the movie was over and we left the theater, I saw the loudmouthed girls disappearing into the mall. They all looked to be about twelve years old. It was a good thing I didn't toss my soda at them. Assaulting a minor is the sort of trouble I don't need.

I really need to work out a strategy to handle stuff like that.