2001-06-30 - 11:35 p.m.

The Nurturing Corner

For breakfast each morning I nearly always have the same thing: cereal and milk, orange juice and an English muffin. I almost never have breakfast with Lily because she is not a believer in breakfast and besides, such monotonous eating habits would drive her insane.

When I tell her that my father's father had Corn Flakes for breakfast every day of his adult life, she looks at me like I just told her I have relatives from Saturn.

Recently I've been having Cheerios for breakfast, although sometimes I vary it with other cereals. I don't like sweetened cereals because, well, I'm a diabetic. They're bad for me.

Cheerios is obviously not marketed for kids. There's all sorts of verbiage on the box about oats being heart-healthy and cholesterol-fighters and all that good stuff. That's not the sort of thing kids would care about.

Like a lot of people, I'm still half asleep when I'm eating breakfast. One morning, a couple weeks ago, I was sitting at the breakfast table mindlessly reading the back of the Cheerios box in the same way I was mindlessly chewing on my cereal. Then, slowly, I began to comprehend what I was reading and I almost said out loud: "What IS this bullshit?!?!"

In the lower left hand corner of the box was the following:

The Nurturing Corner

Here Are Five Great Ways to Show Your Kids You Care:

 Ask them about their day

 Tell them your favorite stores about them growing up

 Eat Breakfast together

 Give them at least one hug each day

 Read them a bedtime story

What the hell? It's like a short parenting guide for well-meaning morons. If you need to get your advice on how to raise your children from the back of a cereal box, you have some serious problems. Good nutrition is the least of your worries.

I can just imagine the sort of person who would need to take this advice to heart. I can imagine a conversation between two kids in this family: "Have you noticed that's Dad's been all weird and touchy-feely recently? He must be reading those damn cereal boxes again!"

Also notice that they can't help putting in a little commercial plug: "Eat BREAKFAST together!"

And the Nurturing CORNER is in the CORNER of the box! Get it? Get it?

Sigh.

In the lower RIGHT hand corner of the box is the following drivel:

The whole grain goodness of Cheerios is good for your whole family. It's one of toddler's first finger foods, kids' energy fuel, and the same wholesome goodness Mom has eaten since she was little. Cheerios provides vitamins, minerals and whole grain oats, so make it an important part of your family's breakfast and your family tradition.

Good grief, I could almost hear "The Star Spangled Banner" coming up in the background while I was reading that.

It boggles my mind that it was some copy-writer's actual job to come up with that twaddle. Hey! It's Engrish for Americans!