2001-06-04 - 8:37 p.m.

That Tickles!

Okay, here is a red hot update for those of you that haven't figured it out yet:

GROWING OLD SUCKS!!

Well, okay that's pretty obvious. Everyone knows that, right? But what they don't tell you about are the annoying little tricks that your body can play on you.

It's like driving an old car. The vehicle may run fine but ten years of cruising around have loosened all the bolts a little so everything rattles. It's like that with your body.

Take your teeth. You think if you brush them everyday you'll have no trouble with them when you are in your 40s? I beg to differ.

After 40 years of biting and chewing and grinding, your teeth get a little worn. They start fitting together oddly. They get more sensitive to heat and cold. They might ache a bit.

And then there's your gums. Boy, if I had known that I was going to be having the problems I am having now I would have flossed after every meal 20 years ago. In fact, I recommend all my readers go floss right NOW! I'll be waiting here when you get back.

Dum de dum...

Say, that didn't take very long at all! Are you SURE you flossed?

Okay, okay! I believe you! No reason to get mad!

Anyway, my dentist has had me buy this new electric toothbrush to better clean my teeth with. It is an amazing instrument.

According to the instructions, it oscillates about 31,000 times a minute. The head of the brush moves so fast that it appears to be standing still.

When I was a kid growing up we had an electric toothbrush, but it really was a joke - a toy to play with while you were brushing you teeth. However, this new electric toothbrush is a whole 'nother thing. In fact, it might even be dangerous in the wrong hands.

For one thing, don't EVER put toothpaste on the brush and then turn it on before putting it in your mouth. That's one mistake I've never made with it, thank God. I imagine everything within a four foot radius would be covered with a fine layer of toothpaste.

As it is when I put the thing in my mouth it immediately turns the toothpaste to foam. Like, instantly. And the damn thing tickles! Especially when I do the back side of my teeth, it's all I can do not to burst out laughing when the bristles accidentally brush against the roof of my mouth. But for the reasons given in the last paragraph I try VERY hard to keep my mouth closed.

Also, leaning WAY over the sink is recommended. You WILL drool while using this brush. You can't help it.

In addition to being high-powered, the toothbrush is smart, too. You are supposed to spend 2 minutes brushing your teeth, and the brush knows this, because it automatically turns itself off after 120 seconds. Also, it lets you know how far along you should be by having a pause in its vibrations every 30 seconds. The makers of the brush recommend that you divide your mouth into 4 quadrants: upper front, upper back, lower front, lower back.

We'll see how well this works. I'm supposed to see my dentist in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, if you hear giggling coming from the bathroom, it's just me, brushing my teeth.