2001-04-23 - 11:59 p.m.

Sugar Water

Recently, I've become interested by all the different types of soft drinks there are. It's amazing the number and variety of them. I've been trying to expand my horizons by trying some new beverages. Sometimes I find things I like, other times I'm less fortunate.

I seem to remember that there used to be a much smaller variety of soft drinks when I was a kid. Actually, 50 years ago there were many more soft drinks available as different little soft drink companies had distribution in different parts of the country. There were literally hundreds of brands.

Now, just a few monolithic drink companies control the lion's share of the market all over the country but they are putting out drinks under dozens of different brand names. A lot of these brand names are all that is left of a small local beverage company. For instance, Barq's Root Beer used to be its own company, now it's owned by Coke, I think.

There is a sub shop where I often have lunch, and they used to have the full line of Snapple beverages. They had a little display on the counter with Snapple's new line of "alternative" drinks. They all came in exotically shaped bottles and had earth-friendly names like "Fire" and "Comet." The drinks had exotic ingredients like passion-fruit and kiwi.

So, I was intrigued. One day I walked up to the counter after finishing my lunch and decided that I'd buy one of these odd drinks to enjoy in the car while I headed back to work. I asked the woman at the counter what one she'd recommend.

The manager of the store, a world-weary woman in her 40s, happened to be at the counter that day. She shrugged, gave me a lopsided grin and said: "It really doesn't matter. They're all just sugar water."

Her attitude plainly said: "I'm not being paid enough here to make up your damn mind for you."

I started to laugh. It was damned funny! Take away the exotic bottles and the pretty designs and it's all just sugar water! In fact, all the soft drinks are just sugar water! Coke doesn't add life, it's just sugar water! Take away the multi-million dollar ad campaign, and it's all corn syrup in solution! It won't change your life, and it won't make you accepted by your peers. It's just sugar water! It has no answers to life's deep questions - it's just simple carbohydrates!

Maybe it wasn't as funny as all that, but it sure punctured the soft drink mystique that seems to have this society in its grasp.

Sugar water!