2001-04-15 - 11:59 p.m.

Warrior Princess

Last night I did something that I haven't done for a long time: I watched an episode of Xena, Warrior Princess.

I hope you all won't think less of me for this admission, but I used to be a huge fan of this show. I thought it was adorable.

I was watching it every week, and taping it too.

I think I started watching it in the second season, and I just got obsessed. I get that way with some TV shows.

First off, the show was good, cheesy fun. The actors all seemed to be having a pretty good time and nobody seemed to be taking anything very seriously. The special effects were low rent at best, the dialogue was hackneyed and the plots were stolen from anything you could imagine, from ancient legends to opera to stories from the Bible. And yet, everything was done with a certain flair and joie de vivre that I found irresistible.

Yes, it was TV and it was on a limited budget. However, sometimes cutting costs can be a blessing in disguise. To save money Hercules and Xena were filmed in New Zealand and the scenery there is beautiful - even if it looks nothing like Ancient Greece.

The fact that I am a fan of ancient history didn't really add to the show's appeal: they twisted historical facts upside down and backward to suit whatever plot point they wanted to make. For example, one episode has Xena in a torrid affair with a young Julius Caesar (born 100 BC.) while a later one has her at the fall of Troy, which happened circa 800 BC. So not only did Xena have an extraordinarily long life, but she had the good taste to age backwards! What a woman!

However, I think the big selling point of the show was Xena herself. Not only is the actress who plays Xena, Lucy Lawless, very easy on the eyes, but I found her character very appealing. She was a woman with mission, trying to make amends for the crimes she'd committed in the past. I, too, felt like I was constantly trying to undo mistakes I had made.

I had strangely mixed feelings about her. Part of me wanted to DO Xena, of course, but another part of me wanted to BE Xena. That is, triumph over the problems of the past and find the hero inside me.

That sounds really cheesy doesn't it?

So why did I stop watching? It was probably a combination of things. First, my life became more interesting so the adventures of Xena and friends were something I needed less. Also, I think in some ways I've come to a better appreciation of my own heroic qualities, limited though they may be.

I think that part of my admiration of Xena was wanting a lover with a bit of the hero in her, and I think that I have found some of that with Lily. I've always wanted a girlfriend that I could actually look up to as a person, and now I have that.

And, all that noble-sounding stuff aside, the show really started to suck. It began to lose that happy balance between lighthearted fun and serious drama. The silly episodes were just stupid and the serious ones were maudlin. Well, writing a TV show that is consistently good, year in and year out isn't easy!

For example, this particular episode that I happened to catch seemed to be mixing elements from Richard Wagner's "Ring" opera with the British legend of Beowulf. These two plots seemed to be getting along like two wet, hungry cats in a sack.

Lily watched a few minutes of the show with me, and finally she said: "What's with all this lesbian stuff between Xena and Gabriele?" Even I had to admit it was pretty blatant. For a while there was a lot of "are-they, aren't-they" suspense on the show, but during my absence they seem to have finally decided the issue: I guess they are lovers. Oh well.

So that's Xena. A while ago I wrote a piece about the show and published in one of my big store newsletters. For your amusement, I've decided to reprint some of it here. Probably the only thing you need to know, if you've never seen the show, is that while the choreography of the fight scenes is imaginative, Xena has this bad habit of disabling her male attackers by kicking them in the nuts. Well, I'd probably do the same if I was her, but it still makes me wince to watch it.

So, with apologies to David Letterman, I now present:

The Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Xena Has Been To Your Village Recently

10. All the soldiers at the castle are in a bad mood and walking funny.

9. The village Cyclops is wearing and eyepatch.

8. The waterfront taverns are suddenly full of polite, sober sailors.

7. Aureus the armor-maker is suddenly having a run on iron-plated codpieces.

6. Everyone in town now knows what a "shakrum" is.

5. If you yell "Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" all the men instinctively cover their crotches.

4. All the girls want to run away from home and become warrior princesses.

3.The local giant has a lump on his head THIS BIG!

2. Every stall in the market place is fresh out of trusses.

And finally...

1. Truth and justice have triumphed... for a change.

And if that weren't enough:

Ten Things I Learned About Life From Watching Xena and Hercules

1. Everything important in ancient history happened at the same time.

2. If you are kind and sensitive, yet strong and confident, you will have a new girlfriend every week. And generally she'll be a queen or a princess.

3. People in Ancient Greece talked like they were from Southern California. Awesome!

4. It's okay to steal stories from the Bible and adapt them. God doesn’t mind

5. Arguing the fine points of legal process with illiterate barbarians is a great way to spend an afternoon.

6. Ancient Greece looked a lot like New Zealand.

7. It's perfectly okay to kiss your sidekick on the mouth. Everyone will understand that you're just good friends.

8. The Greek Gods hung out with mortals all the time. Why wouldn't they?

9. Every village of more than twenty people is a kingdom. All you need for a conquering horde is about fifteen soldiers.

10. Guys wearing funny helmets generally get the bejeezus wailed out of them.