2001-02-26 - 23:59:04

Aftermath

Like I said before, we're still playing catch-up here at the Hamster Palace. This is being written about twelve days after the fact. That means I have twelve days worth of entries planned out and they are going to be appearing as fast as I can write them until I am all caught up.

One of the reasons I am so far behind is that I was busy sorting all the games from the U.S. Amateur Team East. It's a big-time consuming job and I concentrated on that almost exclusively because I wanted it out of the house as fast as possible.

However, another reason for the lag was that the events described in the previous entry had a disproportionate effect on me. It hit me hard, and it took me a while to shake it off. It was like there was this hand from above, just pressing down on me. Why?

So I made a mistake. So I made an ass of myself. Big deal. Little harm was actually done. For example, I was at the awards ceremony at the end and both Boy A and Boy B seemed happy enough as they scampered up to get their trophies.

That's what all this hullabaloo was about: trophies. There are no cash prizes in Scholastic tournaments. The difference in their score for that game was the difference between coming in fifth, and coming in 14th. The fifth place trophy was about four inches higher than the 14th place trophy. That is what all the screaming was about: a plastic trophy that was four inches taller.

So why the gloom? Obviously I was taking this a lot more seriously than any of the other parties involved. I've been spending the last two weeks trying to figure out why that is. I think I have some answers, but I don't have THE answer.

Since I started this journal, I feel that I have been making progress on myself. I think that I am a much happier, more secure, better realized individual than the groping, half-blind person that started here last May. It was a terrible shock to abruptly be turned back into the miserable child I was 30-some years ago. It's like going on a long journey, only to discover than you haven't really gone anywhere. You are back at zero, actually at less than zero because when you started you at least had the illusion that progress was possible.

That being said, I know that I have my weaknesses. There are some issues I have to deal with, some of them buried in my childhood. This is why I have been finding playing Planetarion such an interesting, yet disturbing experience. I seem to have discovered an unquenchable thirst for vengeance inside me. I think it is the beleaguered, picked-on ten year old inside me having his day in court at last. He is very, very angry, and he has lots and lots of scores to settle with the world at large.

However, it was even more disturbing to find the flip side of that ten-year-old yesterday: the frightened, vulnerable child who has no tools to defend himself against anyone who acts with authority.

To put it another way: I need to work on my people skills!

Which brings up another point. Before I started writing this journal, I had turned myself into a virtual hermit. I spent most of my time up here in the Hamster Palace, and had very little contact with the rest of humanity. Yeah, I was one of those people that the high point of their week was a two-minute chat with a girl behind a cash register at a book store. My world had been shrinking for a while - my poor tired soul was atrophying.

That trend reversed when I started keeping this journal and it moved into hyper-reverse when Lily moved in. Lily is a cheerful, vivacious person and she makes friends easily. Since she has moved in here seven months ago I've been more socially active than in the entire previous ten years. For example now she wants to have a dinner party with the Manager and Agness (who recently moved back to this area). I would NEVER have thought to do such a thing on my own.

This new sociality is kind of a growing process for me, and like most growing processes it can be a little awkward and painful. I'm discovering things about my social persona that I don't necessarily like, but it seems to be okay. Lily is extremely non-judgmental about my little quirks and is helping me iron them out.

I think that I put too much emphasis on being a nice guy and on pleasing people. While this doesn't sound like a character flaw, I think that too often I mistake weakness for kindness. For example, in this particular instance, once I met opposition from either of the parents, I should have stuck to my guns and tried to argue that what ever decision I had made was right. This sounds like asshole behavior, but I'm coming to an understanding that sometimes you have to BE an asshole to avoid getting trodden on by the insensitive schmucks of the world.

No, that isn't right. There must be a middle way between being everyone's victim and yet maintaining an honest and pleasant relation with one's fellow humans. It just may take me a while to find it.

I tend to be a doubter and a questioner. When there is some sort of a crisis the first thing that occurs to me is that I might be wrong. While I think this gives me a certain flexibility next to those who think they are NEVER wrong, it's a precarious way to live. Since I abhor offending people, this makes it difficult for me to act at all in the face of disagreement.

It was also kind of worrisome that I felt so badly about it. There's a famous quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that nobody can make you feel bad without your permission, and I gave these idiots permission to wipe their dirty feet on my psyche. I really felt like dog shit, and it's annoying that I let this petty bullshit get to me so badly.

Well, live and learn. It's time to move on.