2001-02-14 - 21:49:17

V-Day Reconsidered

How did my pre-Valentine's Day surprise work out, you may ask. Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.

Something that I didn't take into account when I was setting it up was that Lily was also going to be very busy on the 13th. As it was she didn't have that much time to appreciate her Valentine surprise before she had to get back to work. Oh well.

To my surprise Lily actually got me some little Valentine's Day presents too. I got a card, and a cute little heart-shaped box of chocolates. She also gave me the most adorable little hamster Beanie Baby. It actually looks somewhat like a hamster, which is something that stuffed/cartoon hamsters almost never do. The only bad part of it is that the Beanie Baby people have given the little hamster an unfortunate name: Pellet. Really, now! It's like calling an adorable stuffed puppy "Dogshit." So I've renamed him "Hammie." He's currently sitting on my bedside table.

Isn't all this just adorable? However, I have to tell you that last year my attitude about Valentine's Day was not so good. In fact, I found the holiday hateful and annoying. For some reason at the time I was reading a lot of journals by people who felt the same way. I remember one female journaler calling Valentine's Day a "holiday of exclusion." I remember thinking: "Right on, sister!"

When you're not in love, and not likely to be, the holiday just sort of grates on you. All the romantic imagery, all the hearts and cupids, all the pink and red displays, all of it just seems tacky and annoying. Valentine's Day just seems to be a ploy to enrich greeting card companies and chocolate manufacturers.

When you feel neglected by the world at large, a holiday devoted to love can't help but make you reflect bitterly on your own situation.

I explained these thoughts to Lily later in the day, and in her usual thoughtful way she sort of refuted the whole premise of these musings. Just because you don’t have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) Valentine's Day is not a conspiracy to bum you out. It's not meant to be taken personally.

Although I will say that with the way our media-happy culture just seizes on things almost anything can seem like a personal assault, but I digress.

A few days ago I was sitting in a waiting room somewhere and that old pop chestnut "Young At Heart" came on the radio. For some reason I was in a thoughtful mood, and the lyrics seemed exceptionally witty and wise. Why don't they write songs like that any more, I wondered.

The point of the song is that the world is a much more pleasant place if you just stay young at heart and don't allow yourself to become bitter and jaded. What exactly this means is a little hard to describe. Basically it involves remaining hopeful and childlike in the face of adversity. I recollect a line in the song about how you'll "always be in love, or love will be on its way."

Maybe that's what it's all about. It's about believing in love and romance, especially when there is no reason to.

A year ago, I thought my flame was out for good. I really thought that there was no more romance left in the world for me. I was sunk deep in self-loathing and regret. That's probably why I put up with a third-rate relationship like the one with Anti-Romantic Girl for as long as I did.

In some ways I don't understand how I got from where I was then to where I am now, living with my love Lily. Somehow I found the faith to believe again. Someway, I found the heart to persevere even when it seemed like I was on a fools' errand. Somehow I found the wisdom to trust myself even when it looked like I was utterly wrong. Also I was very, very lucky.

That's the message to send to the people reading this who feel like I used to: Valentine's Day has a message for you, too. Believe that love exists and that you can be lucky.