2000-06-05 - 22:55:21

June 5 2000

Something is happening here at the Hamster Empire. I'm not sure what it is. It could be that the long winter is over, that spring is coming. That seeds planted long ago may be waking up under the dirt. Maybe, or maybe not. I could be deluding myself. Could be.

After all, hamsters are not very bright.

All this and everything has got me thinking about a story.

I have mentioned my friend Agness earlier in this journal. She is the person that named Flea the hamster. Picked him up as a little tiny baby and tamed him instantly.

I think perhaps now is the time to talk about our curious relationship, Agness and I.

I first met Agness when she was in her middle teens. She was (and still is, sorta) a customer at my comic store. Sadly, there are not many female customers at a comic store so they always stand out.

As she got older, she got to know my pal the Manager, and then eventually she got to know me. I'm trying to remember how we got to talking, but the memories are dim.

Agness has a rather pure and true love of comic books. She was introduced to them at a point in her life where she was not doing well in school, in fact she was practically semi-literate. Reading comics brought her in to the printed word and probably stopped her school career from ending before its time. I got the impression that comics were her friend at a time when nobody else was. This has given her a sense of gratitude and loyalty to the medium. In fact, she was studying to be an artist in order to draw comics for a living.

The first time we went out together, that I can recall, was when we went to a comic artist signing at a local mall. This was put on by another store, but I am mellow about such things. I do not fear competition. This was very early in 1998, I believe.

Anyway, I was very impressed by the way Agness conducted herself at this signing. She chatted up the artist and managed to get us invited to a dinner with him after the signing. I found myself admiring her superior social skills and the way she had of charming people she interacted with. I would call it "the common touch," but I think that part of it had to do with the fact that Agness was a pretty young girl.

Pretty young girls can open up bank vaults and fortress doors with their smiles.

Some time after this, or maybe even the same day, I recollect us having a conversation in my car. She asked what my ideal female was like.

Well, I said, I happen to like dark hair and dark eyes. I prefer females that are heavier than the norm. I prefer women who go light on the make-up and dress casually in jeans and t-shirts. A smartass sense of humor is an important factor, and so on.

While I was describing what I tend to like, Agness was starting to smirk at me. I started to slow in my description, sensing something was up. I ground to a halt when I realized that, with a couple of variants, I had pretty much described Agness herself.

I shrugged and admitted that I was describing someone pretty close to her, then I added: "But of course, you're too young for me." (Me: 38, Her: 22)

With this her grin turned into a smile.

And I was forced to amend: "That being said, you must know that probably I'd crawl on my belly through broken glass if I thought I actually had a chance with you."

That got a big laugh.

This was the start of our rather odd relationship that lasted for a little less than two years. We hung out a lot together, going out to eat or just sitting around out at her place. We seldom hung out at the Hamster Empire, but the times we did were memorable. For instance Flea got his name one of those times, as I said earlier.

I recall one time we were hanging out at the Hamster Palace. She had insisted that I rent and see "Titanic," which had just come out on videotape. She had previously seen it in a theater, and thought it was great.

I had been meaning to see it in a theater myself, but had never gotten around to it. Eventually all the endless hype caused me to be sick of the movie even though I had never seen it. I was prepared to dislike it. After all, I certainly knew how it was going to end!

Now I think about it - the reason I didn't want to see "Titanic" had to do with the woman I had been dating at the time prior to this. She had seen the movie with her sister or something, and had hated it. The plot was hackneyed, the movie dragged on and on, the special effects were not so great, etc. This woman was a big time anti-romantic. Our break-up had been quite a relief.

So I watched Titanic at home with Agness, and was just blown away. I really liked it. So sue me, film snobs. The spectacle of all those poor people dying in that essentially needless tragedy had me all choked up. I am something of a history buff, too.

Even though I was absorbed with the movie, I was noticing that Agness seemed to be watching my reactions more than she was watching the TV. After all, she had seen it already. At the end I was all weepy.

After the movie ended, we started talking about it. We were sitting very close together on the couch. And just like that, we started kissing.

Damn, the girl could kiss. I started to get very aroused, for the first time in a long time, it seemed. More than that, I felt a powerful rush of emotion, feelings that I had previously thought might be long dead.

But there was more going on here than just the exciting thought that the two of us might become lovers. Some previous experiences with people in general and women particularly had left me very guarded and bitter. The terrible relationship with anti-romantic girl had been the last straw. I was half-convinced that the world had nothing new to show me, and that there was really no reason to let anyone get close to me ever again.

Agness showed me that I was wrong. How about that.

After this rather heated smooching, there was some discussion about whether Agness should spend the night, but she decided against it. It was very late, due to how long Titanic had run. In retrospect, I think she didn't trust herself because she was tired. So I took her home. I figured there would be a chance for us to get to know each other better later. I never like to push such things, so I took her back to her apartment without a quibble.

Little did I know, but that was pretty much the high point of our relationship.

I think I saw her the next day. I picked her up at her place and she seemed rather uneasy. I tried to kiss her, and she evaded me.

"Uber," she said, "we have to talk."

The talk! Oh yes, the talk. If you are of a certain age, and you are not Leonardo DiCaprio or Kate Winslett, you have probably experienced "the talk." Maybe more than once. Maybe you've given it yourself a couple of times.

The gist of it is: I do not feel the way about you know that I did last night/last week/last month, etc. In getting close to you I made a mistake, so back off. I didn't mean to hurt you, but them's the breaks. And so on.

The bottom line: you are now leaving Sweetheart City. Have a nice day.

To go off on a tangent, I will say that I have heard "the talk" more times than I care to count. I am sick and tired of it. Maybe the next time someone tries to give it to me I will yawn in their face, or laugh. Maybe I will make up a little card they can fill out and they can check off the reason that I am getting the boot. That way, I can go play video games while they are filling it out. Saves time for everyone.

So Agness, in the kindest way she knew how, told me to cool my jets. She was not interested in any kind of a serious relationship with me. And because I was so serious, she thought that sleeping with me casually was a bad idea.

At the time, and for a while thereafter, I accepted this explanation as the party line. Now I am a little more skeptical. That explanation does not have the ring of truth. Really, who bases decisions like that on what they THINK the other person MIGHT feel?

After this we stayed friends, so I got to know Agness better. I eventually came to understand that this girl had more trust issues than Chase Manhattan Bank. This was perfectly understandable, given what I knew about her upbringing. It was Dickensian, to say the least.

Frankly, I think she kept me at arms length because she knew that if she let me into the fortress around her heart, I would have a good look around. I would pay close attention to what she told me, and maybe know her better than anyone else on the planet. Of course, that is incredibly terrifying.

In spite of her ability to be poised and charming in social situations, and even with celebrities, she was not her own biggest fan. She also related several stories to me that indicated that most of her contemporaries considered her ugly, etc.

Young guys, they are idiots. I oughta know, I used to be one once.

Of course, there's another explanation that might have occurred to some of you reading this. It certainly occurred to me. Namely: you're a fat old toad, and she's almost half your age! What are you thinking???? Don't be silly! She was just being nice when she said that! Go back to your rocker, grandpa!

Of course, this kind of harsh explanation makes almost too much sense. Especially to someone with a poor opinion of themselves, like me. I tried to avoid dwelling on it, but it kept popping up in my head.

I guess the best way to handle it is to say that people make decisions like that based on whatever they think is important at the time. Just because someone rejects you, that's no reason to reject yourself. I will also admit, I have NO IDEA what women see in most men anyway, so who am I to judge?

Like I said, after this Agness and I stayed friends, and continued doing things together. However, she noticeably avoided hanging out at the Hamster Palace. Lead not the Uberhamster into the valley of temptation.

I had mixed feelings. Of course I still wanted her, but realized that it was hopeless. I still liked her and admired her, but deep inside I felt that there was an element of farce to our relationship. I was hoping that she'd change her mind, but I concentrated on trying to be a good friend instead. In spite of this, sometimes I felt like a hungry fox, droolingly waiting for an apple to fall out of a tree. Other times I felt like her crying towel.

Still, for all that I was grateful for the feelings she awakened, and the new hope that she gave me. This was really the new basis of our friendship.

When Agness and I were hanging out together, she would moan about her love life. She was seeing a couple of guys and randomly sleeping with them when the mood struck her. These guys would then be baffled when Agness had no interest in being their girlfriend. Men! Go figure. Again, trust issues came to the fore. She seemed to have a lot of guy friends.

She was very straightforward with me about her sex life. There was one guy that she slept with several times that she admitted it was just because he was decent in bed and had a hot body. Other than that, she despised him - he was a vain peacock that barely had two brain cells to rub together.

Of course, I was curious about this stuff, but hearing about it did not make me feel good. I started to wonder if hanging out with her was good for me. Did that stop me? Of course not!

Then she met Mr. Right. It turned out that he was a high school student, five years her junior. To my mind, this turned the farce into slapstick. Here was 39-year-old Uber, pursuing 23-year-old Agness, pursuing her 17-year old boy toy. Like a cartoon involving a mouse a cat and a dog.

Agness went on at great length about her beau, whom I'll call Enrique. He was such a great guy, he was so smart, so funny, so artistic, etc. She was constantly saying what a great man he was GOING to be, but the couple of times I met him he did not seem to be anything at all RIGHT NOW. He seemed like a nerdy, stuck-up little nothing who appeared to be mainly interested in video games. The couple of times that he and I were in the same room, his eyes never left the TV, his hands never left the joystick.

Agness definitely seemed to be the aggressor in the relationship. In fact, he seemed terribly passive, almost uninterested. Aside from my feelings for Agness, I tried to imagine what my reaction would be if I were 17 and being chased by a 23-year-old hottie. A lot different than his, let me tell you!

I chalked up these uncharitable opinions to my own personal green-eyed monster. When Agness talked about Enrique, I tried to be helpful and supportive, like a good friend should.

In retrospect, I think that his main appeal to her was that he was safe. Because she was older, she could call all the shots and not be hurt. For his part, I think he was so passive because he was intimidated by her fire and enthusiasm. I also think he might have been a little resentful of her take-charge attitude and pushy behavior. He did not treat her very well at all, in some instances showing an almost passive-aggressive lack of respect.

And off to the side sits the Uberhamster, a dark cloud growing over his head.

Agness' big ambition was to be a comic book artist. Her intermediate goal was to get into art school. Not surprisingly, she was trying to get into the same New York art school that Enrique planned to attend.

However, there was a problem: a chronic lack of funds. Agness, because she was several years out of high school, couldn't seem to get enough scholarships to really help. She needed a loan, and that was a problem. Her parents were pretty useless - their separate credit ratings were a wreck. Her somewhat wealthy grandparents couldn't be bothered to co-sign the loan, so she was stuck.

And then there was me. I could afford to co-sign the loan, but my non-relative status made this look a little odd. And, to tell you the truth, I thought it was a bad risk. I thought then, and still believe, that employment opportunities in the comic market were dismal, in spite of Agness' obvious talent. Also, Agness was flaky about personal finance - she was constantly bouncing checks at the store. I fully believed that she INTENDED to pay the loan back, but I really doubted her ability to do so.

So it was a big unspoken thing and it hung in the air between us. It also highlighted the odd nature of our relationship.

Because I was the one with the steady job, I pretty much paid for all of our adventures. It was only fair. I would occasionally buy her presents or let her have her comics deeply discounted or even free. While on one level I liked doing things for her, on another level it sort of confirmed my opinion of myself as a middle-aged loser hopelessly pursuing a young girl.

We both balked at the notion of me co-signing her loan. It seemed too much like me buying her. What did I expect in return for this huge favor? Neither one of us wanted to go there.

I was also getting to appreciate the differences in our ages more. The difference between 40 and 24 is more than just 16 years. While I admired her mental toughness and the fact she had to grow up fast, on some levels she was annoyingly little-girlish. She was bad about keeping appointments to do things. She would vaguely promise to call, and then forget. When she was around me, I was the flavor of the month, but often she made it plain that I was not even second or third or even fourth in her hit parade. However, through all this she seemed to have a genius for knowing when I was getting fed up. I'd be starting to gnash my teeth, and Agness would make some tender, thoughtful gesture that would make my heart melt.

But, things came to an end.

Without the loan, Agness could not go to art school. When the Summer ended, Enrique went off to New York without her. Their relationship blew up shortly thereafter when he abruptly took up with one of Agness' best girlfriends. To my surprise, Enrique actually turned out the be the shallow dickhead that I thought he was all along. Live and learn.

With no school and no boyfriend, Frown Town is a depressing place to hang out for a young woman with big dreams. To shake the dust off, Agness decided to leave the East Coast, and move in with her sister who lived in San Francisco, and that's where she is now. I still talk to her and email her from time to time.

I also have been mailing her comics out to her in San Francisco. She doesn't seem to like the stores out there, and she still has little money. She is currently getting the Uberhamster Starving Artist Discount on her books. (i.e.: free)

I don't know how long I can keep that up, though. I know how essential they are to her happiness, but it is kind of expensive.

It also seems unlikely that she will move back to Frown Town. If I was living in San Francisco, wild horses couldn't bring me back to this grimy post-industrial ghost town. I really don't know if I will ever see her again. If I get strongly motivated, I might do out to visit her, maybe someday.

I do still value her friendship. She has that charm and a sense of humor I am still wild about. However, I am no longer carrying a torch for her. I'm trying to leave my hands free for other things.

I will close this entry with an anecdote that may sound amazing, but is really typical Agness.

Agness, in her usual fashion, seems to make friends anywhere she goes. She will walk up to anyone and start a conversation, just like that.

There is a sushi place that is right near her apartment in San Francisco. Agness and her sister go there fairly often and Agness has, of course, become a great favorite of the owner of the place.

Therefore, it was not too surprising that when actor Keanu Reeves visited that sushi place a few weeks ago, the owner seated him at the table right next to Agness and her sister. The two of them struck up a conversation, and Keanu told Agness he was in town for location shooting on his latest movie. Agness told me later he seemed very friendly and easygoing.

She also told me that he was wearing a very attractive coat, apparently made of reindeer hide. She asked if she could pet it, and he said, sure.

Hamsters or movie stars, they're all pretty easy to tame for Agness.